Rant: Venture into the Human Condition

I feel like as Christians we are pressured to be happy constantly. I feel badly when returning home and realizing I was not the happiest person in class or at work. (I attend a community college and work part-time as an all around vet tech) I am at times simply overwhelmed with reality of the harshness of the general human condition which can put me in a sour mood. Then I begin to worry. What kind of legacy will I leave behind? If I died tomorrow, would I be remembered as the silly college student who did not keep her word, could not do what was asked of her, never worked hard enough to achieve her fickle dreams, and was rarely prompt for an event? It simply scares me. I have peace knowing God is in control but the happiness is sometimes lost in the frustration from the feeling I am not doing what I was meant to do. I am a sophmore at Weatherford Jr. College finishing up my basics with an Associates in Arts hopefully. But where do I go afterwards? I am constantly asked this question and consistently aggitated by it. I do not know yet exactly what I want to do and wonder if this stems from a fear of failure. "Never try, never fail." Most of the people I am around at school or work, know/knew exactly what profession they wanted/want and are gaining the education needed or have already the Doctorate they need. Yes, working with Veterinarians so annoys me. :D They work hard, love what they do, and know so much about vastly differented yet related subjects, it blows me away! And one of them gets up at 4 in the morning to excercise! :O I just wonder why I cannot be like them. Why can I not find the one thing I would be happy to spend the rest of my life doing no matter the wages or the difficulty of the task? I have five things constantly slightly nagging at me instead of one desire tugging me. On the brink of my conscience at all times stay writing, dog training, acting, piano, and physical training. I love all these things and wish God would make me desire to have a career in one. I can work hard and know I could accomplish nearly anything to which I have set my mind. Lol, which is probably why the idea of being an engineer or biochemist never crossed my mind. I am not naturally talented in the science or math department. It would be a difficult career but a almost guarunteed success unlike the life of a struggling English teacher writing in her spare time. My sister walked in a moment ago stating my best friend's brother Ben is currently suffering respiratory arrest in the midst of a surgery. After saying a prayer for him, I begin to wonder, "What the heck was I worried about?" And I also wonder if I lived in the 1700's and could see my 2012 self, if I would rebuke myself harshly, for my poorly clad pilgrim spirit must worry about from where her next meal is coming. Is all of this idleness a production of the 21 century? Did people ever think about such things during "The Starving Time"? Or if fed well and idle are these the things a human mind should ponder and should people be happy when filled with such thoughts? Or should they become sad, yearning for the joy of making a difference in a sad word? How will we make that difference? I apologize is this makes no sense. I am a very open person and simply began to rant; I feel mad at times. Not angry mad. Mad mad! ;) I used to be a bit more skilled at typing my random thoughts into flowing paragraphs. Yet this confused writer has been deprived of dipping her quill in the ink too long.(Well, it sounded better than stating I was deprived of the time and will to write on a keyboard during the summer months I which worked full-time)